If there’s one thing that is a total game changer for a relationship, it is understanding your love language and your significant other’s. If you don’t have a clue what that is, you’ve come to the right post. I shared a lot about relationships lately from our Q&A to marriage advice and it seems to be quite the hot topic. So how does love language play into that?
First off, let me explain what it is. There are 5 love languages. Think of them as ways a person likes to receive love (and probably tends to give love in that way too). These are the five “languages”
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
If you haven’t taken this test, do it now here. It is only 15 minutes and is a complete game changer! Even if you think you can guess what your love language is, just take the test!
Before I go any further, you don’t need to be in a relationship to take this test either. I wish I had taken this test when I was single! It would have helped me realize a lot of things sooner! Like getting out of the toxic relationships I tolerated for so long in college. As we know, relationships aren’t always of the romantic kind. It could be your relationship with your child, a best friend, and maybe even a coworker. It really helps you understand what you need from any kind of relationship. So whatever your status is right now, understanding your love language is invaluable.
Your love language.
You can read a bunch more in depth detail on their website but here’s what I got out of taking this test. First, I figured out what I needed in a relationship. If you’re sitting there thinking to yourself “duh”, you’re right. To a point. Of course, I kind of knew what I liked but when it’s categorized into one of the 5 things above, there’s a lot more clarity. You can start to categorize things, find patterns in what has made you happy, and really understand yourself. You might like a lot of things but what do you really need. It doesn’t happen overnight. Give yourself a little time. Let it ruminate. This is one of those that helps you get to the next level when it comes to knowing who you are in life. It’s called growing up.
If you’re curious, I have 2 love languages. I’ve been talking to people for years about this test and that isn’t uncommon. My languages of love are physical touch and acts of service. I picked this photo above to hit at the physical touch aspect! Let me break that down with some examples.
So what does that mean? Basically, I like to be touching Matt at all times. This was something that I knew subconsciously before taking this test but I didn’t realize how important it was to me. And guess what, Matt didn’t either. But I’ll get to how understanding your love language can change your relationship. Don’t jump to conclusions and assume physical touch is only of a sexual nature either. It’s not. Whether we’re walking down the street together or sitting on the couch, I always feel better if we’re holding hands or I have my feet up on him. When we’re sleeping, I even like to stick a toe out to touch his leg to generate that connection. So for this test to put it so blatantly was an eye opener.
When it came to acts of service, this was something I doubt I could have figured out on my own. However, what is really important to me is when Matt does little tasks around the house or makes a gesture that says he’s thinking about me. Basically, actions speak louder than words. I’ve never been a person who paid much attention to an “I’m sorry”. In my mind, if the person was truly sorry, they’d act on it. Not just say it. Saying something is really easy. Doing something about it is a different story. Actions and acts of service are things I notice and appreciate the most.
Your significant other’s love language.
Want to take a guess at what Matt’s love language is? He also has two as well. And none of ours overlap. When I initially took the test and realized that, I panicked. We had just gotten married and I immediately panicked and wondered if we had enough in common. You know, the usual girl things. Guess what. It doesn’t matter. Don’t psych yourself out of your relationship. Use it to your advantage.
So what are Matt’s? The first one is quality time. He’s really big on this. You’ve heard him mention more than one time on Instagram how I’m working on my laptop while we’re watching a show. He’s not a fan. If we are doing something together, he wants me to be 100% engaged. Now, he knows that I’m managing this blog in addition to my day job so his expectations have changed over the years. Take a guess at my work life balance looks like. So what have I done? I’ve rearranged my calendar, tried to work more efficiently, and made dedicated blocks of time to give him that. Once you know what your partner really needs, find a way to make it work.
His other love language is words of affirmation. I originally thought that this was a guy thing but I’ve gotten mixed results over the years. Basically, Matt likes verbal or written reassurance of the value that he’s bringing to the relationship. So what have I done since? A lot. But for starters, I always remember to thank him, give him credit, and compliment him. Even if it’s something as small as admiring how strong he is for carrying my heavy Nordstrom boxes into the apartment. I will also periodically send him a text out of nowhere to tell him a few reasons why I love him. Whatever is relevant that week. Changing the medium and the way I compliment him keeps things fresh so it doesn’t lose the value. You can see the impact immediately. This has literally changed our lives together.
Ironically, neither Matt nor I value giving gifts much. This is makes it somewhat difficult around holidays. Both of us are happy without them but love the other so much that we feel compelled to give them! I usually ask for trips or experiences. Matt also has an incredible knack for getting small, thoughtful, and extremely useful gifts. In return, he usually asks that I style him in some kind of obnoxiously colored footwear or button down shirt. PS. if you’ve been following me on Instagram for awhile, then these are the shirts Matt loves. I’ve talked about them before and every time I mention the brand I get asked to re-share!
Why it’s so important.
Understanding your love language is about knowing what you need from a relationship. If you aren’t aware of your love language, it may be hard to pinpoint why a relationship isn’t working. It may also be harder to communicate what you need which will, in term, frustrate your partner. If I had known this earlier, I feel like it would have been much easier to cut loose when I needed to. It also helps you know who you are as a person. If that isn’t part of “adulting”, then I don’t know what is.
Understanding your significant other’s love language is about knowing what you need to give in a relationship. If you’re anything like me, your default in a relationship might be to show the other person love in the way you like to receive love. I touched Matt constantly and did tons of acts of service only to find out, he didn’t seem very interested. It didn’t matter to him! He was doing the same thing to me – showing love in the way he wanted to be loved. Words of affirmation just aren’t as important to me. Matt would compliment me or praise how hard I worked but, while I always thanked him, it didn’t matter to me. It wasn’t until I started using words of affirmation and quality time that he really started to get a little pep in his step. This is why I say it’s so important to understand your significant other’s love language! Speak to him/her in a language they can understand!
What did you think about understanding your love language? Have you taken the test? What is your love language? Share below – I’m really curious to see what most people are!
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