Friday Five: 5 Times He Doesn’t Want You to Talk to Him

Today’s post was a little outside my comfort zone. If you saw Matt and I talking about this on Instagram Stories last night, then you know he did all the work for this post. I let him have free reign of topics. And this is what he felt most passionate about (at least at this point in time). So here goes!

(Written by Matt)

Jenna invited me back to speak on Visions of Vogue about whatever topic I wanted. Big risk on her part. This time around, I wanted to provide insight on something I felt both men and women would benefit from. What is it? The 5 times in life that he doesn’t want to talk. I know. This sounds a little harsh. I’m sure there are some ladies out there that are in denial, thinking to themselves “my man isn’t like that. He always wants to talk to me.”

[Donald Trump Voice]

WRONG.

If you missed my previous posts on VOV, she’s monitored my topics pretty closely. They’re listed below. Not that I didn’t like writing about our love story or stuff related to date night, but give me something a little more manly. Right? You can imagine how pumped I was when she let me go rogue.

• How We Met
• 5 Date Night Ideas He Really Wants to Do
• 5 Date Night Outfits He Wants You to Wear 
• Instagram Husband

Let’s get back to decoding the mind of a man. Not to burst your bubble but all of the below are true. And accurate I don’t need to present any actual facts to back them up. They always say “Happy Wife, Happy Life” but let’s not settle for that. I’m all about “Happy Spouse, Happy House” (nothing rhymed with husband). It’s easy. You just have to let your guy have a few moments to himself at these 5 times.

1. While Video Gaming.

Most women wouldn’t know this because they hate video games more than anything. But gaming requires laser-like focus. If you’re a serious gamer, it also requires wearing a very stylish headset in order to communicate with your mates (friends). It just so happens that when I’m pwning n00bs online (gamer speak), my wife seems to want to talk the most. She also has a knack for displaying a lack of awareness and obstructing my view of the television. Maybe she’s doing this on purpose. Maybe not. Who knows. Just assume that when the Xbox is turned on, men are incommunicado. Steer clear.

2. Right After the Game.

It’s a widely known fact that men don’t enjoy sharing their feelings. This is especially true right after a devastating loss of their favorite sports team. Believe it or not, there’s a sizable amount of guilt that all men have about this. We feel guilty about how much we care about sports. Shocked? I’m shocked to be admitting it.

We understand sports are meaningless and have no legitimate impact on our well-being. Yet we remain unconditionally emotionally invested. We yell, we scream, we cry. We know you might think our love of regurgitating stats is a way for us to cope with not making it as a pro athlete (every kid’s dream career). Yes, I know I just refreshed my ESPN app 2 minutes ago but you never know what highlight or epic play might have just happened. Don’t roll your eyes. FOMO. I know you’ve all heard of it.

At the end of the day, it’s our significant others who suffer. The only thing worse than watching your team rip your heart out is having to answer banal questions about it like “what happened?” or “did they win?” Yes, the reason I just cursed a dozen times and tried super-kicking the side of the couch is because they won, babe. No need to call attention to our shortcomings. And yes, I just said “our”. I might not be on the official team roster but I should be. In these situations we don’t want love or support. We simply want to be left alone to sulk.

3. When He First Wakes Up.

The only thing I hate more than mornings is terrorism. My brain doesn’t even begin functioning until after I’ve eaten lunch. Everything going on before that is on auto-pilot. I’m so miserable in the AM hours that I expect everyone else is as miserable as I am. If you’re one of those weirdos that wishes people good morning, I wish you immediate harm. Jenna has gotten the message. So have my co-workers. If you ask me a question in the morning, expect nothing in return except a death glare. But ask me something after noon or at happy hour and I’m Mr. Social Butterfly.

4. During Shopping Decisions.

Most guys I know rarely buy themselves anything. In my household, the ratio of packages delivered for Jenna in comparison to me is roughly 100:1. So when I do make a purchase online, it’s usually something I’m very excited about. I get UPS notifications pushed to my phone and sit at the window like a puppy waiting for its owner. Our excitement of unwrapping new goodies tends to diminish quickly once we feel your eyes staring at us, judging our newest toy. You don’t hear a peep from us when you buy your 20th pair of black heels or a clutch you might wear twice this year. So why can’t we purchase some comic book paraphernalia or a shirt that says “I’d Rather Be Day Drunk”? I don’t care how hideous that 1990’s basketball jersey is. Put a smile on your face and tell him how hot he looks in it. If you’ve ever heard Jenna mention my 2 foot statue of Batman on Instagram, you know she still needs to perfect this one. Rude.

5. Pooping.

Yes, I said it. This is probably one of those unmentionable moments that works both ways. But I just mentioned it. Bowel movements are a sacred activity.  I don’t want to be spoken to or distracted in any way. I don’t want to be in the vicinity of anyone else doing their business either. In public, I like to locate a stall that is well off the main path. I also like to make an event out of it. 30 minutes minimum. Sit down, relax, and enjoy yourself. Treat it like a sabbatical from your day. I’ve heard horror stories from guys that their girlfriends do their business in the bathroom while they are showering. This thought of that gives me anxiety. No thanks.

Do you have any other times you know to avoid talking to your guy? Share them below. Help us all out. Or have you ever tried to talk to your man during one of these moments? Maybe you got a less than ideal response? Now you know why!