We all want to get into a guy’s head. I’m consistently amused by Matt’s take on everything. Today’s post is no different. You know all those adorable swimsuits you’ve been lusting over for summer? Here’s what men actually think about them.
Let me caveat this before I jump in. By men, I mean Matt. If history has taught me anything, Matt is a pretty good representation of the male population. His dream scenario is watching baseball… at a brewery… eating a burger… in sweatpants. True to form, I asked him to vote “yes” or “no” on each of these cute swimsuits. He did not follow instructions. Typical. He turned it into “pass” or “play” (a gambling reference, I’m guessing) and added more detail. Helpful and amusing. So here’s what Matt has to say about each of these swimsuits.
1. The Pamela Anderson Baywatch One-Piece Swimsuit.
Why I picked it: One pieces are on the rise. Just look through Instagram or at the cabana next to yours. They cover everything you don’t want to be seen while flattering your figure with the occasional cut out. You just better hope that your torso isn’t long so you avoid any awkward situations down there. Did your heart just sink? Don’t worry, I’m with you girl. My torso could set world records. Try ones with adjustable straps like this one I wore in Mexico or opt for an off the shoulder style. Or, be prepared to size up!
What Matt said: Pass. This bathing suit is the missionary position of bathing suits. It may get the job done, but there’s way more exciting options out there. If I saw someone wearing this I would just assume she is dull and lacks creativity. She probably spends her nights on the couch knitting while eating vanilla ice cream watching C-Span. To sum up my thoughts, there’s nothing wrong with this swimsuit, but there’s nothing right about it either. Take the money you’d spend on this and buy a fidget spinner, it would be much more exhilarating.
2. The Cute Ruffled One-Piece.
Why I picked it: I mean… the ruffles! What could make you feel like a ballerina more than this pink and white one piece? Growing up with a schedule full of sports, I had always wished I was more graceful like a ballerina. If you never aspired to be one (or were one and aspired to be like something else), insert that word here. Bottom line, this suit is in my shopping cart and I am sizing UP so cross your fingers for me (and my gigantic torso)! I’ve got this tropical print off the shoulder in my cart as a backup just in case.
What Matt said: Pass. The only ruffles I like are the ones I can eat out of a bag. Even if I’m being a tad harsh, ruffles have no place on a swimsuit. Let’s also not disregard the fact that the print on this resembles more of a 1970’s tablecloth than anything I’d want to wear on my body. You know something is ugly when it makes the model who would normally be a 10 look like a 6.
3. The Scalloped Bikini Everyone Loves.
Why I picked it: How adorable is this pink scalloped bikini? You’ve no doubt seen it on a million bloggers this year already. It’s timeless. It comes back in style every single summer, just in a new shade or two. TBH, I knew Matt hated bandeaus before I asked for his opinion but I just wanted to hear him explain why. And let’s be honest, I’m trying to impress the other girls on the beach most of the time anyway.
What Matt said: Pass. Bandeaus are like hard drugs, just say no. You say bandeau, I say bandNO. Bandeaus are like the female equivalent of man-buns, a trend that doesn’t look good and needs to go away fast. Pushing the bandeau top aside, I’m not a fan of this color nor the wavy pattern of the bottoms. Let me quote the great Randy Jackson from American Idol on this one, “yeah that’s gonna be a no from me dawg.”
4. The Colorful Bikini.
Why I picked it: This stitching gets me every single time. Of all the suits I linked, it’s next to impossible for me to pick a favorite color. There’s no better way to turn a few heads than to mix it up with a few vibrant hues! We all know which one stole Matt’s heart: the white one. Disclaimer, this suit runs small so size up!
What Matt said: Play. This one is swimsuit number one’s arch nemesis. It’s lively, it’s vibrant, it’s unique, and it’s sexy! All the qualities to look for when hunting for your next swimwear. I doubt the Aztec’s ever imagined we would be emulating them with modern swimwear six centuries later, but here we are.
5. The High Waisted Bottom.
Why I picked it: This is my go to style. The high waist has the potential to make a girl with wide hips (like me) look less wide. It also cuts you at your narrowest part in the waist which really draws the eye up away from those hips. Not that I’m ashamed of mine because honestly, I can’t hide them at this point. But I don’t mind the optical illusion. It also offers more coverage so you’re more comfortable when you’re poolside no matter what activity you’re doing.
What Matt said: Play. This is a play under the condition you wear the top with straps and not as a bandeau (big surprise). And unlike bandeaus, man-buns, and hard drugs, this high waisted bikini is something you should say yes to. You can rarely go wrong with a white bikini. Even though I’m not a huge fan of the oversized bow straps in the back, this bikini is going to turn heads on the sand or at the pool. That’s what you want when you’re strutting around right? Why else did you spend months at that barre class? Just remember to keep those straps on.
What do you think? Would you wear any of these swimsuits? Do you know what the man in your life thinks of swimwear?
PS. If you want to hear more from Matt, check out what he thinks of date night outfits or the 5 dates he actually wants to go on. For a little more personal business, here’s how we met and what he really thinks about being my Instagram husband.