It’s no surprise that Matt is my Instagram Husband. If you’re following along on Instagram, you’ve seen him in my Stories or have seen me talk about him in my captions. Which means, he takes all my photos. I’ve always wondered what he thinks when I ask him to take another picture but have been too scared to ask. Until now…
Here’s what a guy thinks when you ask him to take a photo of you (written by Matt):
I used to live a fairly simple life. A good dose of sports, video games, and beer. That’s all a man needs. But when that young, beautiful girl walks into your life, everything changes. We grow and adapt. We make sacrifices and compromises. Like drinking rosé instead of Whiskey. Putting half a dozen products on our face before bed. Planning international trips “for the photo”. Or finding yourself spending Sundays at the park instead of parked on the couch with some buffalo wings watching NFL Red Zone.
If you want to see how the lady in your life has changed you, just look at your new habits and hobbies. While we’ll rarely admit it, a vast majority of these make us better men. Because behind every great man, is an even greater woman. But there is one very specific hobby that every man acquires when he enters a relationship. It’s a hobby that we never wanted, that’s also non-negotiable. It’s more important than back massages, untangling jewelry and apologizing for something we didn’t do. It’s photography. A very specific kind of photography.
It’s happened to all of us, getting fooled on a Saturday morning. You think you’re just grabbing some brunch, then next thing you know you find yourself balancing on a restaurant chair taking an aerial pic of your girlfriend with her acai bowl. Yes babe, you can see the avocado toast in the photo.
So for all those times you’ve been coerced into conducting a spontaneous iPhone photo shoot, I’ve compiled the multitude of thoughts that run through a mans head that are better suited to remain there.
40. Oh you want a quick photo? From past experiences, our definitions of “quick” tend to be different.
39. Pro tip babe, if you don’t want people in your photo, don’t pick the busiest sidewalk in America.
38. Did you even look at this background, it’s hideous.
37. Aren’t sunglasses for when the sun is actually out?
36. I physically can not crouch down that low. And no, I will not lie on the sidewalk for you. I love you, but no.
35. Horizontal stripes were not your best choice.
34. My arms aren’t long enough to reach that high. You should have brought a ladder if you wanted an aerial view.
33. That’s not a new pose. That’s literally the same exact one you just did.
32. Yes, I know what tapping the iPhone screen does.
31. Take it higher? You just told me to take it lower.
30. Who are you smiling at across the street?
29. I took over 30 photos that round, why did you only look at the last one?
28. Lower? But you just told me to take it higher!
27. Yes, I noticed your hair was messed up but that’s not an easy thing to tell you…
26. I’m not sure if you know this but I don’t control the wind.
25. Why are you staring at the ground? Did you lose a contact?
24. I don’t know what pose you should do. Stop asking.
23. Well you certainly shouldn’t pose hunched over like a Quasimodo.
22. If I take these photos with my eyes closed will she even notice?
21. You’re right, I’m actively trying to make you look fat. Let me turn that setting off.
20. That’s still the same pose.
19. Fuck it, I’m just doing burst mode this round.
18. That’s a bad angle? Sorry, I left my protractor at home.
17. Whatever face you’re making, it only makes your nose look bigger.
16. What is a thigh gap?
15. Instead of holding your hair behind your ear you could invest in a hair tie…
14. Thanks for the heads up we were changing locations, I assumed we were doing a round of you walking away.
13. I should have packed a snack for this.
12. Only psychopaths walk down the sidewalk laughing like that.
11. If you knew how to Photoshop better, we could have been done by now.
10. I can’t make you any taller, that was your parents job.
9. You’ve never smiled this big in your entire life.
8. Guess we’re back on this pose again.
7. You said “this is the last one” 12 photos ago.
6. Now I understand why ISIS hates us.
5. I can’t tell if you are smiling or are in severe pain.
4. My hot coffee now tastes like iced coffee.
3. I don’t care what you say about baseball, this is far more boring.
2. Oh, we aren’t done?
1. If we don’t have sex tonight, all is wrong in the world. Don’t worry, it’ll be “quick”.